Some Really, Really Random Thoughts

dated 29 Oct 2009

painful right heel - rheumatism? lack of exercise? seems to get relieved with some exercise; relieved a bit by lying down with legs up

Barbie Swan Lake, Swan Lake music running in my head, in my ears! again, again and again...

I'm glad I'm so far away.
They tire me out.

hypoglycemia - high-fibre diet; wind in my ear

Joche coughing, coughing, running nose, trouble breathing at night, trouble sleeping... can't control urine... no way, can't go to school

play in the swing... go to Warehouse instead... hmmm had to buy treats - neighborhood kids trick or treating this Sat

watched Young Victoria - lucky England, ok, blessed England
Wickham, that guy's Wickham haha, so skinny
Emily blunt from Prada... she was so skinny and old-looking

been wanting to clean the toilets, the floors, the garden... haha rather be reading a magazine
reading about the rich and famous; they're real, aren't they?
when I think of monarchs, what pressures they go through... they must have some special grace from God.

thinking of calling some people... ahhh, rather be sleeping on time

I lost my blue cotton hat... now have to wear my wide-brimmed one... might as well, it's like summer sun already inside the car...

been planning to cook my ratatouille dish this past whole week! the ingredients are drying up in the ref... ugh

Ezra, Darius, Cyrus... Isaiah, hmmm last warnings... we're so complacent

Well, got to sleep now. Good nite :-)

Blood Test Again

dated 8 October 2009

Just came back from another blood test for my younger daughter. This time they're testing her for the chromosomal abnormality called William's Syndrome.
If it's positive then she's "labeled." If negative, they probably will do more blood tests on her! Now that's sad. It's not fun being pricked all the time, not to mention the exposure to risks. I'm just glad she has no pre-conceived ideas about needles. So far she doesn't seem to relate "clinic" to these pricking incidents. We distract her with talk about school, her favourite food, her friends, etc. I make her look away from the needle and the tube. I brought her to the park to play on the swing after that, so, I hope she associates it with something fun.

Meanwhile, my husband, son and I have so much fun playing "Scum" at night. My husband still can't get the trick on how to play this game and seems to always turn out to be the "scum." I was "president" many times last night. :-)

Ugh, three more days and it's school again. I pray for a pleasant time for my younger daughter and me in school this term as she will start having some assisted learning and I will have three hours free in the morning because of that. I look forward to the calm it will bring to our lives, I hope.

Reflections on a Drizzly Day

dated 24 Sept. 2009

It’s difficult living with people who have deep insecurities.

It’s difficult living with people who have very different values.

It’s difficult living with people who think they know you when they don’t.

It’s difficult to live in an old city where old sins have taken deep roots, and the culture and values have been shaped by its oldness.

Happy are those who live for others yet others think those who live that way don’t have a life!

Happy are those who live as they want to live, though not necessarily accepted by others for doing so.

If God were not my Refuge and Strength… Thank God, He is!

It's the last day of Third Term tomorrow and then it will be two weeks of holiday... and then I will most likely be sitting here again, watching the rain dripping, "trip-trip-trip" on my windscreen, under a huge tree, in front of my younger daughter's school, watching the drops roll down, making the tree trunks and gnarled twigs, foliage and blooms flow before my eyes, looking like a melancholic artist's painting on canvass... It's just another day, one of my many detention days.

Can't Get Off the Ride!

dated 18 Sept 2009

Mood: Grumbling :(

Just came back from another doctor's appointment for my daughter. So far the blood tests done on her have been negative. Now the doctor continues on his witch hunt. He's thinking William's Syndrome this time. That means more blood tests, more pain for my younger daughter. The govt also wants more tests done on her mental ability. Now we need to see an Educational Psychiatrist to do a Psychometry test on her because the one done in 2005 in Malaysia is not acceptable anymore. They want a current test result. That test done in Malaysia cost us a bomb. This one will cost us another. And the doctor just kept on saying it's good we have this subsidy from the govt because it isn't much but at least it's something, as if trying to comfort me with the thought. His fees alone cost us a fortune as well. To be honest, whom are we trying to help or please? Do all these programs really help the child? It wouldn't change her condition a bit even if after doing all the tests in the world we can actually label "that condition", i.e. syndrome. Do we really get to help the child or just apease our conscience? And whose conscience? All I know is that it's bad enough that I am responsible for the care of this child, but worse still that I can't get off a machine I never wanted to take a ride on from the very beginning.

All I know is that this is all so worldly, so much "striving in the flesh," and a "chasing after the wind." Once upon a time, I heard my daughter say, "I used all my brain in Heaven." When you have seen a glimpse of the other side you know our efforts in the flesh are futile. And how do we reconcile the two worlds? Will I see the glory of God in the land of the living?

Tea and Coffee

dated 1 Sept 2009
(Mood: Thankful)

I like this picture of the rainbow. I haven't seen such a perfect one since I was a kid in my home country. I guess it's the pollution in other cities of the world that deprives us of seeing such a beautiful sight. Thank God, Auckland isn't that polluted yet.

It was only after looking at this photo did I realize that a rainbow is actually double-edged. What we usually see is only the lower rim. There actually is an upper rim as well and the quite invisible middle part of it. Hmmm, reminds me of God's presence. In the Book of Revelation the throne of God has a rainbow. No wonder the rainbow is supposed to remind us of the covenant God made with Noah. When the rainbow is gone, God would have already made a new Heaven and a new Earth. Makes me wonder then. Would that mean greater sights, greater than looking at a perfect rainbow, when Jesus comes to rule the earth?

I just had tea with a friend who's guardian to an ASD child. We see so much in common between our charges. It's good to be able to talk with someone like her. Though she herself said some people prefer not to talk about our problem. Well, talk about other things then, as long as we can talk with another adult, that makes things better for us, I guess.

It wasn't the tea, nor the coffee ( we both don't drink coffee), nor the cakes. It was probably just the company. God is good. He brings friends our way. I feel good just having something to thank God for. And there is always something, if I just stop long enough to ponder...

If you are in a sad situation like mine, may you hang in there. Maybe one day we can have tea or coffee together, too. It won't be the tea or coffee, or the cake or muffin, just the company and the blessedness of knowing somebody out there cares to listen and communicate, somebody sent by God to your seemingly lonesome way. Cheers! :-)

Photo was taken in my younger daughter's school in May this year.

Monday Morn

dated 31 Aug 2009

I want to thank God for many things.

My mom is sick, very, very sick. Alas, she is so far away, or I should say, I am so far away. So, I thought I should call / email my old friends or cousins who are my age to go and visit my mom to "represent" me. Then she will get to feel as if I am visiting her, once in a while. I used to call her often but now she's far too advanced in her decline to be able to take my calls. She used to listen and put up with my gabbing but now she only breaks down into tears when she realizes who's the person on the other side of the line. My mom's faculties are deteriorating, disconnecting, malfunctioning, little by little, day by day. And most often she's asleep most of the day and awake most of the night. It has become increasingly difficult to connect with her on the phone.

Then out of the blue an old primary school classmate of mine emailed me saying she had a strong urge to visit my mom when she woke up that morning, and she did! I didn't even get to meet up with her in the short time I was there in our hometown when I was visiting my mom. She happened to know a cousin of mine and she asked for the directions to our house, for it's been a while since she went there last. She said my mom attempted to converse with her and she made moaning sounds.

I believe that was You, Lord. A pastor once said I would one day be praying such that, the thought would occur to me, and I don't even have to utter the prayer, it would come to pass. This is one of those things. The Lord is compassionate, loving and kind.

We'd been here almost a year now and God had been so gracious and faithful in providing for all our needs, caring for our well-being and safety and providing friends, here or online. I went through months of depression and came out of it, all by His mercy and grace.

I had a tacky interpersonal annoyance happening in my younger daughter's school and I prayed that God would work it out for me and take the problem away. I believe He has and is taking it away, for all time. God is good. He worked it out without me forcing things to happen. He is truly dependable and magnificent.

The winter here is almost over and we had been in good health, by and large. We weathered the cold without much trouble. I even stopped turning on the heaters in the living room in the past month. We only used the heaters in our bedroom. God is faithful and true. He helps us through our troubles.

The doctor's report on my younger daughter's condition has started to move things in favor of a real education for her. We've been playing "school" and playing "learning" for the past year. Hopefully, this time we start to do real school and learning. I had totally dissociated my houghts and sentiments towards the mentoring situation in her school and that had kept my sanity in, at least, the last few months. God is good. He is awesome and sometimes funny, too.

I can go on and on and soon it will be morning and I will be yawning throughout the day sitting next to her in her class. Meanwhile, the porridge I'm cooking for her breakfast tomorrow is done, and so, I close this blog, for now at least, to lie in my bed and catch some winks before the sun comes up for Monday morn. God is good, I have relaxed and unwinded a bit, while jotting my thoughts in here. Hmmm, I love this "place". And I love the company of my Lord. Thank you, Father.

My apologies for any typos, as I wrote this without my glasses, for which I am too lazy to hunt, as my eyelids are soon about to drop. It's past 2 a.m. here.

Good night.


Dawn attack, dawn retreat. So many things can happen at dawn.


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Dated 24th July 2009

A Milestone - Good or Bad

We went for our doctor's appointment. It was actually a milestone for my younger daughter, and for me, again. It's because the appointment was for the Paediatrician here to examine and certify that she really has the learning disability called Global Dev'tal Delay. And when that's done, the "machine" for govt support on her education and health care starts rolling. We've been here 10 months already, almost. It took us that long to get the documents from Malaysia ready just so we can have this important appointment. What I was apprehensive about was that they will require more paper work from the Malaysian side and I would have been unhappy with that because we had already spent so much time, frustrated efforts, etc. on that side. So, the good news is, the "machine" has started rolling. This Paediatrician will write the letters to start the process. It doesn't really mean the end of work for me, it is just the beginning of the New Zealand phase of my continuing work on Joche. :-)  Starting Monday, we are back to collecting more urine and blood samples for continued tests. This is the very reason I didn't like to go through this process - they will just poke my daughter with more needles and probes, etc., again. And I was right. :( I guess this is just the life for us. But then again, it is still a milestone for Joche and me. And I would say it was a good appointment because the doctor was professional and not critical about anything. He was helpful and it was a pleasant appointment.

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Dated 10th May 2009

I Saw Hail Today!

he!he! Today it was rainy again, just like most of the days this past week but this time when it rained hard I happened to look out of our kitchen glass panels and saw what looked like white bubbles on the pavement next to our garden. I thought, "How can there be bubbles, there's no detergent on that pavement?" And I noticed that there is some pelting sound as well coming with the rain, the stronger it gets the louder the noise. Then I realized, this must be what they call "hail." But of course, soon they melted away. But that was cool! They looked like tiny whitish beads.

Well, it looked something like this:

Now that marks 2009 Mother's Day for me - the same day I first saw hail!

My older daughter actually drew me a "portrait" of how she thought I may have looked like when I was 18 or 16. And she wrote a note something like I will always be young on the inside no matter how I grow old in years. And she gave it to me last week yet, thinking Mother's Day was last Sunday. And she also vacuumed the whole house, did the dishes, washed the laundry, cleaned my toilet floor and tidied up the whole house last Friday, for an advanced Mother's Day present, too! Hmmm, I wish Mother's Day was every day. har!har!

Thank you, my dotty!

She's the only one who really cares about occasions like this, the rest of my family don't even notice what day it is. I wouldn't either, if nobody greeted me. ;-) No big deal, really. I would rather be appreciated on a daily basis than just one day in a year, really. And no presents, pls. I have no room in my house to keep them. Notes are good, digital ones even better - easy to store, for memories! ;-)

Cheers everyone, and happy Mom's Day. Hug your moms everyday, OK?

;-)

photo from : http://oxleylearning.org/germandictionary/

Boxing Day

dated 26 December 2008

(Mood: Shopped, tired and philosophical)

Boxing Day here in Auckland is interesting. All the shops go on sale! So, just imagine the shopping frenzy! We thought we should ride along and take advantage of the discounts. I hate shopping. But I need to buy some necessities like clothes and kitchen items that need to be replaced. So, off we went. My younger daughter was so bored and tired she kept telling me she was sleepy... and she wasn't pretending, she really was. I pitied her. But we had to drag her along because I needed to buy her at least one pair of pants. She's grown so fast these past few months that all her pants seem to be bursting at the seams. I also bought pyjamas for both of us. We never really bothered to wear pyjamas in M'sia because shorts and tees are good enough. Here, on cold days, it's really uncomfortable to just have shorts on, even with blankets and a duvet over us to keep warm. So, I finally bought two for myself, one to wear and one to go to the wash. My younger daughter has pyjamas actually, but she's fast outgrowing them too. Her tops can't cover her tummy anymore when she lies down, especially because she tosses around too much in her sleep. So, after my younger son and daughter had their shopping, we sent them home to rest. Then it was my older daughter's turn. Only I went back with her. So, why am I boring you with something as mundane as shopping? he! he! Because I hate shopping and it bores me too but it's Boxing Day and we can buy things on sale! Well, now we know. No need to shop the whole year, just wait for Boxing Day!
New Year's Eve was rainy. It rained the whole night and we thought that must have spoiled the barbecue of many people. Here in Auckland, most people celebrate any occasion with a barbecue. The whole day of the 24th was rainy as well. But thank God, 25th was a bit cloudy but not rainy. It was even warm enough for us to don our summer clothes. No need for jumpers or sweaters. And we attended a barbecue potluck hosted by a Pakeha (White Kiwi) and her family. She invited other families / individuals who have no relatives to spend Christmas with here in Auckland, so, that was really cool. The barbecue was chicken, sliced potatoes and sausages. My younger son loves sausages so, he really enjoyed that. We broughta big bowl of fried yellow noodles and apple pie, brownies and chocolates for dessert. The barbecue was served with green salads and other appetizers. And our host had like another full meal for our dessert: ice cream, fresh fruit salad, chocolates and so many other sweets. By and large, it was a really typical Kiwi and fun Christmas lunch!
BTW, I am looking at the streamer on top of my myspace screen, an add on child abuse awareness. Hmmm... why do we have child abusers? How do we actually stop people from abusing their kids?? Child abuse is just one of the symptoms of our society's breakdown because of the break down of family. Where there is break down of family, there is child abuse. And where there is child abuse, there's a subsequent break down of family. It's like a vicious cycle. But break down of family is just another symptom as well of the breakdown of our society. Other symptoms are: High crime rate, high school leaving rate, high teen pregnancy rate, poverty, vice (and this in itself is very broad - substance abuse i.e. alcohol, drugs, tobacco, gambling, prostitution, violence, etc). And the root of all these is Sin. It's that simple. Why is there sin? Man is basically bad, let's face it. Whereas, our famous Psychologists preach: Man is basically good. That's why we never face our Sin and deal with the problem. We are all basically bad. We are inclined to sin because we are all self-lovers. We are selfish, we think about ourselves first, we love to pamper ourselves, we love leisure and entertainment, we love an easy life, etc. We are not aware how bad we really are because we have neglected the word of God in our lives. We never bother to know what God's guidelines and commands are, for us to live a good life here on earth. We think we know it all and God doesn't really mind. But what God requires of us is to obey His commands. When we obey His commands we will have to think of God and our neighbor first, ahead of ourselves. That is, we will have to think, will this please God and my neighbor or is this too tough for me to do? What about me? See? So, the bottom line is, do we want to love God or our fleshly selves? Actually, if only we start obeying God, we will realize that we are making things better for ourselves too, and in so doing, we actually start loving ourselves. Tricky eh? Go and try it! It's a step of faith. You won't really be able to know what good God and His commands can do to us as individuals and as families and societies, IF we don't give HIM a try. That's just how it works. We can't love our children or our fellow men because we don't even love ourselves. We need to know God and His commands to learn to start loving ourselves. As God said, "Love your neighbor as yourself." How can we love others, including our own children, if we haven't even learned to love ourselves? We've got to give God a try.

So, back to Boxing Day, yeah, I'm tired shopping. And now I feel better having written all these. :-)

Blessed Christmas and New Year to all. I pray the economic downturn doesn't get worse in the New Year.